Well here we are again, at that lovely time of year we refer to as "The Holidays". When you boil it down, "The Holidays" is basically just an excuse for people to sit at home, get fat, and spend all the money they've managed to save up in the previous year. Of course the money doesn't go to anything worthwhile - mostly overpriced crap that will be broken and forgotten before the New-Years Fireworks have had time to cool - Crap that will, of course, also be the wrong thing, wrong color, wrong size, or wrong damn brand of plastic airplane.

You should have just taken all that money and thrown it out the window. Or better yet, just filled up that red pot of the bell ringers at the mall! At least then he might take a break and let you hear yourself think for a couple of seconds.

You poor saps will once again repeat the same rituals as last year. The ones you swore wouldn't happen again. Even as I write this I can see the picture clearly in my mind's eye...

By now almost everybody has gone and fought merciless crowds for parking, walking, and breathing space, only to fight them again on the inside for their own share of New-Years garbage can fodder. Of course a wise few have done all of their shopping online, and six months early. Unfortunately, everything they bought back then is out-of-date, and they'll be the ones turning up at Wal-Mart at 2:00 am, trying to get something that will pass as "modern" gifts.

You'll spend plenty of time with family, fighting over the same thing you all fought about last year, eating the same foods as last year, and listening to the same five damn Christmas songs as last year (Which of course will include three, slaughtered and butchered by Mariah Carey - with love). More likely than not, you'll see the same damn Christmas movies as well, and you'll all get nice and nostalgic about them. And be hearing and repeating a chorus of "You'll shoot your eye out!", for the next 2 months.

Once it's all over, you'll wonder why you even bother with Christmas. You'll drive/fly/bus you miserable selves back to your depressing lives, with way overpriced tickets, going back to work, and eating stale candy. Making lame jokes about the weight you gained over the holidays, and how your New-Years' resolution will be to lose it.

You'll return ninety-five percent of the crap that you haven't managed to break. It didn't come from Wal-Mart, but it's going back there, and charging up a "gift" card. You'll probably buy something lame with it too; which will break anyway.

And that my friends is how your depressing, miserable holidays will be. No wonder the suicide rate rises around the holiday season!

But as the nausea leaves, and normalcy of your pathetic existence comes back, you'll slowly come to the realization that it really wasn't that bad. The time away from work was probably a good thing, and even though you argued about stupid stuff the whole time you were with them; it's nice to be back with family. You'll probably even realize how selfish you were, remembering all the folks who didn't even get to have a Christmas. Hopefully you'll be able to reflect and say that you took the time to help out one or two people who didn't have it so great this holiday.

And then you'll be set to start earning money to pay for it all again next year. Maybe you'll even set aside a little extra cash, and buy a new Christmas CD so you don't have to listen to that damn Mariah.

"But, Austin" you ask "What will YOU do differently, you condescending know-it-all?" The answer, "I'll be doing the same damn thing as you. I've just gotten all my resentment out of the way for the year. Bah Humbug!"

And Happy F***ing Holidays!